Further . . .

I realized today that I really really am worried about Katzie. Not depressed or suicidal, but really worried and angry; angry at God, angry at Katzie and angry at me. It's not fair, all around, for the poor little guy to be lying there, in this heat, crusty, scabby and looking awful and he can't help it, but I just resent the hell out of something else to worry over, both his possible mange and it's fallout for me, for his "brother," Miutu, and for my strained finances.

This led to a deeper realization: I'm terrified of lack of money. I mean really terrified. I grew up poor, with an unstable mother who was as likely to kill herself as provide for us. Though I know, intellectually, that here and IRL there a probably people who would help, my heart doesn't believe it. You're born alone, you die alone, and in between, you fight everyone else to get what you can. I abhor the philosophy, so prevalent amongst Fundies, of life being nasty, brutish and short, only to realize it's what I truly believe. I honestly believe that, if things are serious, if I reach out here, in the blogosphere, I'll be put off, put down, looked down on, suspected of fraud, and generally deserted.

That's how life works, right? That's the world.

Or is it just the false self, the hurt child and abused adolescent and depressed adult built into a worldview. The soul underneath knows that if I ask, you'll come, God'll come, and I will come through with joy, but it's hard to break out of the armor I've built.

Developments During Vacation

Not much.

I believe my elder cat has mange. Suddenly, like . . . in a day, he had large tufts of hair gone from his back, along with scabby skin. Strangely, it's on his back, rather than legs or head. I'm worried for him, but he doesn't seem to be in pain or even particularly unhappy. I'll bathe him tomorrow, which I avoid, not because he's disagreeable about it, but because I was told not to bathe cats too often. He's been sleeping a lot, but . . . hello, cat, and the heat does affect him, too. The big point in this is - I'm worried for him, but know what to do. There's a vet. If it's too expensive, I'll turn to my friends, but I'm not worried. Treating mange - if it's a mite infection - is easy enough, even with the massive washing I'll have to do. It's there to do.

They repealed the Homeowner's Relief thingy here, and I received a letter telling me to expect my property tax to go up $300-320. The big thing in that is, my first - or close to first - thought was it was terrible for all of us, rather than moaning over how unfair it is to me. It is unfair, and, with this economy, probably also unavoidable. The fact that I'm neither panicked nor bitter is the important part. The fact I thought of others as well as self, that's important, too. It's there to deal with. I'll see if it's a mistake in valuation - originally, the tax department listed my two-bedroom-one-bath concrete block house as having four bedrooms 2 1/2 baths, a fireplace and hardwood floors! The only bitterness I feel is recognizing that, as bad as the economy has gotten, as bad as times are, the one place I see no talk of downsizing is in politicians' spending or in their salaries - who else can vote themselves a pay-raise at their employers' expense regardless of performance?

My kitchen-sink faucet handle broke off - I'll get a replacement at Fred's and install it.

Why is this news? Because, at one time, it would've left me immobile with panic, rage and depression. Why not? I love my Katzie and he's had more than his share of sickness and pain, and I have no idea what will happen if it is mange and the vet can't treat it. If something happens and I can't pay property tax, my property can be seized and auctioned - at least, theoretically - I'm still not sure property tax is constitutional. My sink is a major inconvenience.

But, I no longer see this as God's screwing with me, or the Devil or whatever. It just is. Things happen, and I seem to have crappy luck, but I also have friends and good luck, so, it just is.

The important event on vacation? James came to visit. We sat and sweated and ate well and talked deep and watched the bizarreness of Bleach and the goofiness of Ghostbusters and the strength of Avatar. It was good.

Oh, and for Mimi - I also got the Ghostbusters video game. Max Von Sydow has a part voicing the non-playable character of Vigo the Carpathian, a spirit of an evil ruler who dwells in a painting. He interacts with the player, insulting or informing or generally observing - paintings must get bored - and my favorite was this:

"I see the evil of the times ahead: you will choose for yourselves a king far more evil than I ever was . . . twice!"

YAY!

I love the show Avatar: The Last Airbender. Even James, who is not at all thrilled with anime, enjoyed the episodes of Avatar he watched with me.



So, it was with a combination of trepidation and hope that I saw they were doing a live-action version. Even the presence of my celebrity crush couldn't reassure me.

Still, the casting has been very promising - despite complaints that all white actors were cast, which is neither true nor particularly surprising when even true anime from Japan shows a majority of Caucasian-featured characters - and the photos have been promising.

Finally, the teaser trailer is out - and it shows great promise for the few seconds it lasts.

I Go, I Hcome Back.

Starting Thursday, I'm going to take 6 days off - a vacation, though it will be spent at home.

In the meantime, keep me in mind as I swelter in high temperatures without a/c. I'm going to see about picking up an evaporative cooler (aka: "swamp cooler") as I've seen those used to great effect in the very humid environment of the greenhouses at the monastery in Conyers, and, given my sinus difficulties, cool humidity is not unwelcome. I would have to blow just about everything on a portable a/c, and might not have the money to run it, in any case.

Take care if I don't get a chance to talk to any of you before next Wednesday!

Answers?

While talking with James, this past weekend, I told him I realized that I had really powerful emotions. He agreed.

This may not seem like much of a revelation, but it's really important for me. I've, as James Joyce, I believe, said lived my life a short distance from my body. In both family and general environment growing up, demonstrating, embodying emotions was a sure path to mockery or punishment. You just didn't do it. My mother was even known to shrug off hugs, at least from her own children.

So, I've lived my entire life believing that I was a pathetic child, an immature fool who couldn't control the basic, rather watery, emotions that every one else deals with. But, as part of my meditation routine, inspired by both classic Zen writings and the more-accessible writings of Eckhart Tolle, I've begun to realize how to actually feel my emotions. What I thought I was feeling before was merely acknowledging the sensation . . . and then, repressing the emotion like Kim Jeong Il with a dissident reporter. So, I sat, tuned the messages of "shouldn't be feeling that" and let the sensation of the emotion flow physically.

I now realize that James has not merely been being kind: I am in profoundly superb control of my emotions and am not lazy with them at all. If I had been, I would be in prison by now.

Let me explain:

This is the "anger" most of you feel -

This is the "annoyance" I feel:

No joke. The same with sadness, excitement, affection, desire, boredom. Incredibly powerful feelings which, without the iron control I didn't know I was wielding, I would've been swept away. James once mentioned that he could tell when I was angry because I would "vibrate" - I know now, he wasn't speaking metaphorically.

It's a relief in at least one sense: I now know that I am also not suffering from some bizarre affliction or white-trash laziness. I am legitimately tired and with reason; I expend so much (heretofore unconscious) energy repressing my emotions - I won't say mastering, because it's destroying me - and my emotional reaction that I use up almost all my energy. Just anger alone, which is a besetting "sin" for me, I can now feel uses up so much of my energy to contain and push down that it's amazing I have energy to do anything; a night of annoyance with a security person at work can leave me exhausted enough to be incapacitated!

I have to believe that - in this new awareness and feeling - I can find a way to redirect it, acknowledge it, rather than fight it.

Seriously, you have no idea how big this is for me! I have lived in fantasies - literally, like a child playing make-believe - all my life because I've been so entirely divorced from my physical existence. To realize it is amazing. Example: I almost choked to death, literally, on a large pill tonight, and when I didn't, I actually felt good about being alive.

Finally, A Smiley That Speaks to ME!

By the talented Halloween-CAT on DeviantArt.

Allright, You Got Us!

You hetero right-wingers were too smart for us.

You figured out our GAY AGENDA.

We're going to use all our for'n deviltry and magic:

To turn all you poor, defenseless straights gay, because you are all just basically animals who'll hump whatever.

After that, we'll make sure everyone is androgynous, basically neither male nor female, which makes sense, of course, because we are attracted to our own sex and that sex's distinctive characteristics, and having everybody be no discernible sex means that . . . well, I haven't worked out how that's an advantage - to us, at least.

Finally, having made sure everyone has some concern for appearance and basic hygience (God help us!), we'll make sure that the same economy and social structure that we depend on collapses by making sure that, now everyone's gay, there'll be no more children and no more future for the same species we are a part of.

You figured us out.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE FRICKING IDIOTS!

The Lady Needs Our Prayers

Mimi, who prays so long and so devotedly for everyone else needs our prayers.

Please, give her some kind words and then put in a few more for her with God.

Lord Bishops in America?

I've never totally trusted bishops, but I never expected a move like this:

A secret committee to study the "same-sex problem." We don't know who's on this theology sub-committee, and have been refused - point blank - any details about the committee members. We don't even know if this is truly discussing the issues, or simply talking about us again.

Wow. Somebody really drank Rowan's kool-aid when it came to "episcopal privilege!" I've told you and told you that our bishops were just as weak in the face of promised power as those in Rome - or Canterbury - just the same way I've told you and told you that the Fundamentalists will turn violent at the first opportunity and lie their way out of responsibility.

Well, listen and get moving and we can stop this before we become infected with the Roman model.

Thanks to Grandmere Mimi we have many contacts and Dennis Roberts wonderful model for communicating our displeasure to the bishops who are forgetful of their responsibility.

Dennis' letter reads:

The news that the House of Bishops has a select committee to examine the inclusion of gays and lesbians into the life of our church is really shocking. So now there is a secret committee to, once again, talk about what to do about us. How sad.

Instead of moving toward inclusion we are seeing the issue delayed, once again, by another study, this time by a committee whose members' names haven't been released.

For the House of Bishops to pass on a discussion about our lives (after countless studies and listening) to a committee without releasing the names the names of the members looks like a delay tactic and is below what I expect from bishops.

When bishops start acting like machine politicians from Tammany Hall it smells suspicious and looks like the fix is going to be put in place, once again, to close the door to acceptance. This is the Episcopal Church, not one of the churches where bishops do as they please and answer to no one.

I am sure that we are to be treated to the kind of explanation best saved for political spin, that a secret committee would allow for "prayerful" deliberations or some other tale. Whatever the answer it will surely desecrate the idea being used to cover the secrecy.

I have great hopes that this year we will be rid of B033 and start allowing the church to bless our unions. It would be so nice if my partner and I, after eight years together, could look to the church to welcome us as a couple. Wouldn't that be nice?

But with secret committees discussing our place in the church, who knows?

I get so tired of being disappointed in my church. I really do.

Dennis Roberts
Bremerton, WA

Like Mimi, I encourage to adapt, adopt and improve Dennis communication and send it to:

Katharine Jefferts-Schori, Presiding Bishop - pboffice@episcopalchurch.org

Bishop Henry Parsley, Chair, Committee on Theology - hparsley@dioala.org

Neva Rae Fox, Public Affairs Officer - nrfox@episcopalchurch.org

Dr. Charles Robertson, Canon to the Presiding Bishop - crobertson@episcopalchurch.org

Sharon Jones - Executive Assistant to the Presiding Bishop - sjones@episcopalchurch.org

Dr. Bonnie Anderson, President, House of Deputies - banderson@episcopalchurch.org

Kim Tucker, Assistant to President of House of Deputies - ktucker@episcopalchurch.org

Time, I Think, To Face It

I look back, and, somehow, in the last 40 years, Christianity has gone from being a religion that had - at least as major components - a degree of joy, promise, intellectual as well as spiritual vigor, compassion. Now, the general face of Christianity is that of regression, devolution, constriction, near-xenophobia, ignorance and violence. This is how Christianity is seen - it's why the newer generations choose a lack of focus or spiritual community; they find that preferable to what Christianity has come to offer on the large scale.

There is a reason for this shift, and it must be laid squarely at the feet of so-called "conservative Christians," the "orthodox," who've damaged Christianity and society at large and have been allowed to do so by those of deeper and greater vision, not out of any real sense of fair play, but the instinctive liberal desire to be the "good guy." The allowance of the rise of Fundamentalism - in every denomination - has been based on selfishness; we don't want to take the responsibility of being disliked or called unfair because we said "no." It's the liberal-parent error: the desire to be a friend to your child when they need parents. The neo-con/fundamentalist/orthodox movements are children, and we failed to provide limits, and now we have this.

This is the reactive wave of ignorance and self-delusion, the reaction to the Age of Enlightenment: We are living in the Age of Savagery, and it will require stern measures to stop this age advancing and to make these so-called "conservatives" fulfill their full human potential.

Let's Sing of the Righteousness of the Anti-Abortionist!

Right, Doctor?

Prayers for the Tiller family, especially his wife who was in the choir as he was killed - in church.